who is this bird?

OK, so the above describes me pretty well. I am in my early forties and found out recently that the last 9 months of thinking I was going insane were actually menopause. Not for one moment did I consider that the menopause was behind my irrational fear of driving at night, my twitching pirate eye, my sore teeth, the lump in my armpit, my sore hip (which also made me limp like said pirate) and all the many many symptoms that I was going through. 

I felt so crap I can’t even tell you. I made up stories so I wouldn’t have to get on a train for work, I rejected most social events because I felt like a moose and I honestly thought “Well, this is it, good luck trying to keep your husband; you big sore toothed, swollen jointed, twitchy eye pirate ” 

The lump under my armpit was investigated a year ago, and the lovely doctor mumbled something about it not being cancer and it was hormone related. I still did not make the connection. I assumed he was referring to my monthly hormone fluctuations and off I went. I Googled every symptom thinking surely I must have cancer or some other awful disease…but wouldn’t my recent blood tests have shown something??? 

It was only when I heard Davina McCall on Steph’s Packed Lunch say one sentence that made me stop in my tracks. “I became really scared of driving at night,” she said. What the actual f…! I ran into the living room (who am I kidding, I hobbled) and rewound the interview. As I stared at Davina’s beautiful un-twitching eyes I consumed everything she was saying and slowly the realisation kicked in that maybe I was menopausal. But I am 40, I am still having periods even if they are irregular, this can’t be right. 

Why did I think that the menopause happened to older women? You have to be 50 right? You have to have embraced your grey hair, use an armchair which slowly lifts you and your sore hips up and out of it and enjoy the sweet nectar or Werther’s Originals right? WRONG! This is the shitty perception we were given during our 80s and 90s education of women’s health. Cheers guys. 

I am still young, I wear Vans and Nike trainers, I wear hoodies from Zara and love a Doc Martin and skinny jeans combo. I have a gorgeous younger husband and a kid still in primary school. This cannot be the menopause, I am too young! The sentiment was shared by most of the doctors I approached…

But here I am, many doctors down the road, slapping on my estrogen gel every morning, with an unswollen hip, eyes that no longer shutting without my say so and driving in the dark like a legend. 

So, my fellow estrogen carriers, this blog is for you. For those who think they are perimenopausal but are not sure and are struggling, for those who are in this thing but still feel too young and can’t seem to find people like them and for those who just want to rant, moan, cry and share symptoms. I am here for you. Throw away those Werther’s Originals you gorgeous thing, this is where we grow, together, menopausal hand in hand (albeit virtually) and anyone who has something to say about can kiss my sumptuous ass. 

Let’s get to it. 

Kathryn x